


Hymn To A Blue Hour

by Cres



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2018-05-31 04:33:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6456025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cres/pseuds/Cres
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are an assassin that goes by the name Grimes. (I promise that's the only thing I'll take from you. The rest is your playground.)<br/>You kill tons of people, you always have.<br/>When one of your more recent and frequent 'clients' makes a request for you to board the Starkiller base and murder one of their generals, shit hits the fan x10.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Black Treacle

“I trust that you will see to it then?”

 

“You must be willing to cover the highest of expenses…”

 

“Diplomatic immunity, Grimes, and the complete misdirection of the Resistance is my pay to you. Is it not enough? Do your wishes lie elsewhere?”

 

My client’s representative held out a handwritten letter. I extended my arm and reached for it.

 

“One last thing, Grimes. He is the only one I want dead. Don’t be as chaotic as you were with

My wife at her dinner party.”

 

The transmission ended, and my client’s rep left.

 

The letter was in my hands now.

And so was a man’s life.

 

* * *

 

The First Order was quite lazy when it came to making sure trash chutes weren’t accessible from the outside. I bumped into a wandering Stormtrooper and shuffled through his mind a bit before getting him unconscious and dumping him into the chute. His armor wasn’t a tight fit.

 

The armor I had adorned myself in belonged to an ‘FN-2519’, assigned to some tall, metallic trooper who had moderate contact with both the target, General Murk, and another man named Kylo Ren. As I recollected the memories of FN-2159 once again, I remembered all the gossip that had passed through his ears. Apparently so, Kylo Ren was a punk bitch who threw tantrums all the time, and everyone on the base hated him. I seized the opportunity to have a quick laugh and searched through the nearby corridor for another metal head. There were two of them, standing in front of what appeared to be the mess hall. Plenty of troopers and the like were walking out of the double doors, so I could only assume.

I made my way towards them and kept my pinky over my blaster’s safety.

Much to my surprise, one of them threw his hand up to greet me with a high-five. I lifted the hand that had been lurking over my belt and reciprocated.

 

“Dude, can you believe ‘Master Ren’ threw _another_ BF in one of the briefings this morning?” The trooper across from him lifted his hands midsentence to add in his air quotes.

 

I let out a convincing snort and replied, “No fucking way. The kid’s a freakin’ joke.”

 

“I know dude, he looks like he’d weigh 30 pounds soaking wet.” That one made me chuckle.

 

I decided to hang around these guys for the rest of the evening, to get a little bit of context with this whole First Order thing. I’d never worked a contract this big. Sure, I’ve done governors and emperors of planets and solar systems, but these fish are **galactical political** figures. I might as well do a bit of sightseeing.

 

As much as enjoyed making fun of people I didn’t care about, I tried to think of anything I knew about Kylo Ren besides all the nonsense.

The one fact I was able to gather from FN-2519’s mind was evidence of Ren showing proficiency with the Force. I recalled an image of him force choking a trooper and slamming him into a wall, it must’ve been one of those tantrums. It felt a bit intimidating, but no one I’d ever met could manipulate the Force as well as I did. If anything, his abilities would only make things more interesting. The dark side of the force was just the dark side. I’d only ever actually encountered Jedi, but it couldn’t be that different.

Then it hit me.

If Ren wields the force, then he already knows I’m here.

From within the FN-2519’s consciousness I was able to obtain a general sense of direction around the Starkiller base, and with a few verbal commands, I was able to clear the proximity of Kylo’s quarters.

I wasn’t gonna pick a fight with the guy, I just wanted to know if he was the _real deal_.

 

Now that I was in, swift and quiet, I found myself overcome by an odd sense of _excitement_. Followed by a wave of adrenaline as I heard footsteps from within the entrance of the apartment. Readily, I positioned myself beside the frame leading into his bedroom in which I had previously been hidden and cloaked my presence with the Force. He would not see me. As if the timing couldn’t be any better, I found myself at an unfortunate cross-road. I didn’t _have_ to be here, it was a huge risk from what I had gathered, and it felt fairly brash.

But I wasn’t known for my common courtesy and reminded myself that I was **not to kill** anyone but General Murk, this was just a stunt; I needed to do this as unadulterated as possible. Well, for a murder anyway.

 

Thanks to my brilliant hesitation, Kylo nearly caught me off guard.

 

Bless the stars the fucker had his dumb bucket off.

 

I jumped at him from the dark and clamped my right hand over his mouth. With my left, I crashed the hilt of my blaster as hard as could with his temple. He fell to the floor with an angry thud, but he wasn’t out. He looked up at me, and I noticed the side of his face I had hit was bleeding. I pulled my blaster out on him and spoke.

 

“You’re supposed to be unconscious, ya’ know.”

 

He sneered and grimaced as he wiped the blood off on his tunic, and reached for what looked like the hilt of a lightsaber.

Almost instinctively, I removed one hand from my blaster and beckoned it towards me.

 

Now _that_ set him off.

 

“I demand to know immediately who you are, why the hell you are in my quarters, and _how dare you attempt to **disarm me!**_ ”

 

His husky voice reverberated through the entirety of his bedroom, and his thick black curls bounced across the frame of his face like tiny flames embracing a dragon. He was a very pale man, and even when enraged his skin reminded me of Hoth. I was going to have to be much more careful than I had originally thought.

 

I did manage to draw the saber out of his grip and into mine.

 

And I could hear him grinding his teeth to dust.

 

I held out his saber and flipped the blaster in my hand so the handle would face him.

 

“Look, I’m not here to fuck around, all right?” I clicked the safety on my blaster, and his eyes flickered from mine to the gun, and then back to mine.

 

Seeing as he was making no effort to let up and that he was very much livid with our encounter, I dropped both weapons at my feet and pulled my Stormtrooper helmet off. It fell with a resonating _clunk_ , and I let Kylo Ren assess my identity.

 

When it came to taking care of business, I showed my face to **no one**. There was always a mask and little to no contact with the people who hired me and died at my hand. In my seven years of working as a knife, no one had the slightest idea who I was. To them, I as either a figure with a thick looking brass mask or only the name Grimes.

But the moment I accepted to kill General Murk, I knew something would be difficult. I knew there’d be some fucking obstacle.

 

I could feel his eyes burning into me like lasers. The shape of my brows, the depth of my eyes, the bridge of my nose, and my cupid’s bow. He seemed quite surprised I was a female. I further punctured the lavish silence.

 

“I was hired to murder one of your generals.”

 

“Which one?” He began to stand up, the bleeding from his temple had nearly stopped by now.

“Mu-“ He cut me off.

 

“Murk, yes. He’s on the left side of the second corridor from here.”

 

“You are quite the gentleman.” I spat back.

I was completely taken aback by his response. Was he divulging this information? To a complete stranger who bashed his head with a blaster?

 

“I knew you were coming. Hux was the man who hired you. I didn’t expect you to break into my quarters, nearly incapacitate me, and then insult me.”

 

I continued to stare at him, completely and utterly dumbfounded.

All that sass.

 

“You’re absurdly powerful.” He said quickly. I knew what he had been referring to, the Force.

He eyed me carefully, and then walked towards me. He stopped a few inches in front of me. I looked up at him.

 

I wanted to spit in his stupid pale face.  
So I did.

 

“I won’t be here for long, and I _apologize_ for the aggression.” I scooped up FN-2519’s helmet and started to make my way out of Kylo’s quarters when he grabbed my wrist very firmly.

I yanked my arm away and slid my mask over my head.

I had most definitely exceeded the amount of contact I wasn’t supposed to have with my clients.

 

* * *

 

 

General Murk was a very handsome middle-aged man. Probably late-forties.

He had oceans for eyes and sand for hair. If I were ever to set foot on a beach, it’d probably smell like him.

 

He was asleep when I had gained access to his quarters. I walked in quietly, careful not to cause him to stir. Making my way from his general living area to his bedroom, he had many recognitions hung up. Medals, photos of him with other stubborn political figures, and quite a few pictures with the faces cut out. I took notice of them as I found him sound in his bed, wrapped in stark white sheets, and snoring lightly. I went over to his bedside and pulled a thin silver dagger from my boot. General Hux had explicitly instructed Murk’s throat be slit with this particular blade.

 

I slipped out as quickly as I glided in, and left the knife on Murk’s lap. Just as Hux had asked.

 

Done and done.

 

Now all that was left was getting paid.

 

I searched the entire commanding floor for General Hux, and he was nowhere to be found. He asked that once I had killed Murk, find him as soon as possible. Usually, he’d be with Ren, but I was never facing that man again.

 

I was halfway to the observation deck when I felt him.

So much for never.

 

He had his helmet on this time, and would’ve looked lethal if I hadn’t remembered spitting in his punk bitch face.

 

“That was ridiculously quick. You are the definition of reliable.” General Hux spoke from behind Ren and then emerged. His hair was more akin to a flame than I could remember, and way more handsome.

 

He extended his arm to me, and I met his hand for a brisk handshake.

He thought I was short.

 

I looked over at Ren, who was probably summoning all of the willpower in the galaxy not to murder me on the spot.

It was an absurdly grand feeling.

 

“I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure of meeting you in person…” I trailed off. Hux picked up for me.

 

“This is an unusual circumstance, after all. You’ve murdered the most insufferable insect to every walk the Starkiller.” Hux smiled as he articulated every syllable.

 

“Your payment is due, but I have a secondary offer.”

 

I raised a brow despite my Stormtrooper guise.

 

“You’ve never gone limp on me, whaddya mean secondary offer?” I walked over towards the railing of the observation deck and blankly stared at the stars in hopes of getting a clearer view of whatever Hux was going on about.

 

“We have history, you and me. You’ve done a lot of dirty work, and you always leave me with clean hands. I believe it’s about time I do something for you.”

 

I turned around to find Hux nearly a foot away.

 

“Hux, baby, what the fuck are you going off about?”

 

He seemed a bit hesitant to reveal his offer to me, but my question still stood in the air.

 

“Your diplomatic immunity lies with the First Order.”

 

“I do not follow.”

 

“I’m offering you General Murk’s position within the First Order.”

 

“I don’t know if you got this or not, but I’m an assassin. Not a military head. I make the ripples in your politics _for_ you, not with you. That’s not how it works.”

“Of course, I didn’t expect you to accept. It was just an offer. Now since that has been rejected, can I, at least, look at your face?”

 

**Oh no.**

Everything was going very wrong. All I had wanted in payment was Hux enabling disregard for me in my activities. Not to be some bullshit general in the First Order, or for people marveling at my face.

Whenever Hux called in another life, we’d occasionally flirt. I knew he liked the sound of my voice, and I loved looking at his hologram. The flirting felt like it was just a sick facetious joke, I didn’t ever believe that it’d lead to the commitment of him getting to see my face.

 

Hux dropped himself to my knees and wrapped his hand around the pads of my armor.

**What the fuck.**

 

I looked around the rest of the deck to avoid looking at Hux and had almost forgotten Ren was in the room. I tried to read him, but he had put up a wall. I accepted defeat.

Slowly, I hooked my fingers under my white bucket and threw it across the deck with a heavy sigh.

Hux gasped with enough force to create his own point of singularity. As he got up, I tried to think of something to say.

 

I'm not into you.

I have HIV.

I'm gay.

 

He placed his left hand on my cheek and sucked in another breath.

 

“You’re gorgeous.”

 

“Fine.” He cocked his head to the side and lifted a brow.

 I placed my gloved hand on top of his and gave him the exact answer he wanted to hear.

 

“I’ll do your First Order bullshit.” Hux nearly bit his bottom lip in half.

 

“But, only until the Rebels get off my ass. As soon as Leia lays off, I’m gone.”

My conditions didn’t phase Hux, I doubt he even considered them. All that he could think about was the fact that I had accepted.

 

I have a bad feeling about this.

 


	2. Premature Adjustment and the Heat That Comes With It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're a military general now?  
> You kinda like Hux?  
> Kylo Ren has serious problems.

I’d never thought I’d actually _regret_ killing someone.

But as I was being walked from the observation deck to General Hux’s quarters, it was the only feeling that came to mind. Kylo Ren went off in an opposite direction as we entered one of the deeper halls within the base, and I felt a heavy sigh of relief from Hux.

 

“Did you actually spit in Ren’s face?”

 

I looked over at him in comical disbelief. What a charmer.

 

“Yeah, why?” I murmured nonchalantly.

 

He stopped abruptly at a large metal door with a keypad at it’s left. He pushed a couple buttons and turned towards me.

 

“Pardon my French, but I absolutely loathe Ren.” As he said this, he gestured for me to enter the now open room.

 

Room wasn’t a big enough word.

 

As I walked in, Hux followed and kept one of his hands at the small of my back.

When I got into Kylo’s, I paid no attention to my surroundings and didn’t dare bother to turn on the lights. If it looked anything like Hux’s, I would’ve reconsidered.

 

The walls were stark white, like Murk’s sheets before I killed him. There weren’t any frames or borders sectioning the different areas, everything was just in one enormous open space. He had one or two bookshelves that reached the ceiling. Much like the large window of the observation deck, the ceiling was just thick glass. I could make out thousands tinny-tiny points in the sky that varied from blue, red, yellow, and white. The bookshelves he had held a couple dozen actual paper books. They looked hefty and worn.

 

Hux gently pressed me forward and guided me towards a large black leather-looking couch. I complied and sat down, looking over to my left and catching sight of his bed. It was on a platform, and the size of two king-size beds combined.

 

Hux pulled me out of my awestricken trance by placing a hand on my lap.

 

“Do you have something I can change into?” I took the trooper helmet off for good this time and then placed it at my heels.

Hux then got up and quickly came back with a soft black sweater and a matching pair of trousers. As I stood, I asked him where his bathroom was, and he directed me to a door I wouldn’t have otherwise noticed because the shades of white were so uniform.

 

As I began to undress, I heard Hux call out to me.

 

“You know, now that you’re here for an indefinite amount of time, why don’t you tell me your name?”

I pulled my undergarments over my head and past my thighs, stifling a chuckle.

 

“That’s not how it works.”

* * *

 

After washing myself and changing into what Hux gave me, I took notice of how cold it as on the base. I stepped out of the steamy bathroom gingerly, only to find Hux across the room, sitting on his black couch again. As I got closer, I noticed he had settled down with a bottle of some kind of alcohol. It was hard enough for me to smell it from a couple feet away, so I assumed it was vodka.

I stepped over to the other side of the couch and sat beside him.

 

“What do generals even do?” I asked, stupidly.

 

Hux looked over at me and then back at the bottle.

 

“You try to get as much done as possible before you die.”

 

“That’s horribly vague and unfair of you.”

 

Hux didn’t look up from his bottle.

 

“I could say the same for you.” He was right and I grew convinced that he just wouldn’t let up.

I inched closer to him, pulled the bottle out of his hands and set it besides the couch. I then placed both my hands on his thighs and gave him a stiff stare.

 

“Look at me.” His gaze was lifted from his empty hands to my eyes.

 

“_.”

 

Hux lifted an eyebrow and then slumped further into the sofa.

 

“What?” I asked quickly.

 

“Is there a problem with my name?”

 

“Your other one was stupid.” He slurred every single syllable.

* * *

 

I woke up being unable to recall when I had fallen asleep. My entire mind was fogged. Rolling over to my left, I realized that I wasn’t on the couch anymore, it was across the room, and I had been asleep on the island Hux calls his bed.

I got up, still freezing and hazed. Slowly making my way to the couch, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“There was a briefing this morning, I’ll fill you in whenever you decide you want to get started.”

* * *

 Originally, I had thought it would be difficult. Turns out being a military general is the most taxing experience I’ve ever had the pleasure of forcing myself through. Briefings in the mornings were absolute shit, the nights before hand plagued by insomnia. Fairly quickly, my mind blurred everything. The shaking of men’s hands followed by a hasty introduction. Looming over a desk with Captain Phasma in an attempt to keep her troops and the lot alive from point A to point B. Avoiding everyone else on the base I didn’t have to come in contact with to do my job, and meditating for hours on end in my quarters.

 

The private space I was assigned wasn’t as expansive as Hux or Ren’s, and I was very much glad it wasn’t. I wouldn’t know what to do with all that extra space. They could’ve put me in a storage closet for all I care. All I wanted was to get this over with and get back to my actual occupation.

 

A couple of weeks had gone by since I subjected myself to torture, and I was facing a wall with my legs crossed tightly and my palms opened on my heels, when I heard a sturdy knock on my door.

I first chose to ignore it.

Then it came again, with an accent that rippled in the calm oceans of my head.

 

“Yes?” I called out, slightly annoyed.

 

“Let me in _.”

 

I turned in the direction of the door and with a flick of the wrist, opened the sliding metal doors. In came a severely exhausted looking Hux. He locked the doors behind him and began to pace around my common area.

 

“What’s wrong?” I asked almost immediately.

He _wanted_ me to _ask_ , and he _wanted_ me to _listen_. I could feel it oozing off of him.

 

I sat beside Hux on the edge of my bed and scrunched up my face in concern as I gestured for him to elaborate.

 

“As Ren grows stronger in the force, he’s become more than intolerable. He cannot seem to keep his anger off of peoples’ throats, or his lightsaber out of our equipment. It’s become so detrimental that I feel the need to hire a psychiatrist and psychologist to board the base. It’s unhealthy and utterly ridiculous he believes he can proceed acting like a fucking child. He’s supposed to represent the First Order and he’s behaving like a _motherfucking child._ ”

 

“I-I don’t know what to tell you.” I retorted, rather flabbergasted.

 

I’d heard funny rumors about Ren, but I had assumed they were just that. Rumors.

I had spent most of my time preoccupied with adapting as quickly as possible. I didn’t take note of Kylo Ren because he immediately pissed me off and I got the feeling he didn’t like me much either.

 

“Have you ever done that before? He might think of it as an insult.”

Then, I briefly recalled how I had spit in Ren's face not long ago. I didn’t even get a clear picture of what he looked like. It was too dark to make any note of his facial features. I’m one to talk.

 

Hux sunk his head into his hands and drew a heavy sigh.

I sighed with him.

 

He then pulled a silver flask from the inside of his coat, unscrewed the top, and took a swig. I watched him carefully, and he had assumed my stare was a request. After taking another swig, he then gestured the flask towards me, and I shook my head.

 

“Oh come on now _, I’m not gonna give you a pink slip for getting shitfaced with me.”

 

“I’ve never had a drink before, I try to stay away from it.”

 

Hux looked like I had just impaled him with something.

 

“Here, it’s a bit hard, but I’m sure you can handle a bit of liquor in you.”

 

I took the flask out of his hands and tentatively placed my lips at the opening. After a small sip, I tipped the container a bit more.

 

Drinking wasn’t all that bad. It went down my throat like a fire, but the warm sensation in my belly was oddly satisfying. After a few small swigs, I laid back down on my bed and covered my face in hopes of falling asleep. I don’t remember if Hux had left or not.

* * *

 

The next morning, my head ached a bit and my throat felt a little numb. I rolled over in an attempt to get up, but I bumped into something instead. It was Hux.

His right arm was draped over my side rather haphazardly, and he seemed to be stirring.

I stared at him as he slowly woke. I felt his hand grip my hip as if making sure there was something there. As his eyes opened fully and he came to the realization that what was beside him was me, he quickly removed his hand and stumbled out of the covers.

I was almost positive he was hungover.

 

He was half clothed, his chest exposed but his legs wrapped in the same black pants he wore every day. The thought of us doing anything raced across my head, but I ignored it. I got the feeling he wasn’t the type of man to take advantage of stressed out virgins. Especially ones who murdered people for money.

 

“How’d you sleep?” I said sheepishly, trying to sound nonchalant.

 

“Shit.” He mumbled.

 

He looked absolutely horrible. The stress radiated off of him and I felt it like a bad case of BO. The Force was dense and vivid around him, but very unfocused. I could only feel and see certain things from him, but they were always unbelievably unblemished.

Whenever we’d have meetings and Ren was in the room, I could feel his anger and annoyance. Sometimes I could hear him think about what propaganda they were to use, or whether or not sending four squadrons instead of five was a good idea. Occasionally I could even sense the way he felt about me. I tried ignoring that one the most because it confused me to no end.

 

I didn’t know why, though. Hux was an attractive man; tall, lean, and handsome. My lack of human interaction made it impossible to tell how to properly deal with a man that was coming onto me. I just didn’t know what to do. He didn’t bring it up regularly and was very respectful towards my decision to not engage.

 

Maybe it was a good thing?

 

The only perception I had of the opposite sex was shitty scripted porn.

 

I felt a sudden strong impulse to touch him.

I must’ve been staring at Hux very intensely because he asked me if there was something wrong. I denied it and on my knees, made my way over to his opposing side of the bed.

Cautiously, I lifted my hand to his shoulder and began to gently put pressure on the area where his shoulders met his neck.

 

He looked really stressed, and people like getting rubbed when they're stressed.

 

Almost instinctively, Hux pulled me off the bed and onto my feet. I moved around him and began to massage his bare back.

 

His skin was warm and soft.

 

It almost felt as though I was drinking again, but the warm sensation in my stomach didn’t recede like the alcohol had.

 

He turned around slowly, my arms slipping from his shoulders to his chest. He then placed his hand behind my neck and pulled me close, so that his lips brushed against my right ear.

 

“If I cannot stop, there is going to be no coming back.” His pitch dropped significantly and made my knees feel weak.

 

“What do you mean?” I breathed quietly, relishing in how warm his body was. The base was always so fucking cold.

 

He didn’t respond in words. Instead, he ran his fingers through the hairs near the back of my neck and hummed softly into my ear.

 

“I don’t wanna die without knowing what it’s like to move inside you.”

 

Like some calculated military assault, he grazed my neck and face with his own. The warmth in my insides spread all over my body and my back started tingling. From there he continued caressing me gently, and I had no objections. I hadn’t the slightest idea it’d feel so good to have someone so close to me.

 

Someone then decided to bang on the doors of my quarters again. Abruptly after the knock, Kylo Ren’s voiced boomed through the metal with enough force that he could’ve been shouting right in our ears.

 

“Hux, I know damn well you’re in there! Who the hell do you think you are?!?”

 

Hux put a little space in-between us, smiled, and whispered, “I believe he found out about the therapist.”

 

“But you only mentioned it last night?”

 

“I sent out a message to Phasma before I came over. She pulled through very quickly, it seems.” He looked off into a corner briefly, before letting go of me, throwing on his coat, and heading towards the door to deal with Ren.

I reached for his arm before he could open the door, and he caught on.

 

He placed his hand over mine and said, “I’ll be back, I promise.”

 

And just like that, he was down the corridor with Ren by his side, both infuriated by each other. I closed the door behind me and immediately began to assess how oddly attractive I was suddenly starting to find Hux, and what the fuck I was gonna do about it.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took so long. Life's been pretty busy for me, and I've got a TON on my plate right now. That's beside the point, though, I wanted to make this chapter flow better, but frankly my love life is pretty shit lately. This fanfic is starting to mirror it. Which is fine?


	3. Thoroughly Modern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy! xoxo

Captain Phasma was an excellent spar. She was harsh, managing to undermine me several times. Every move she made against me _hurt_ , and I genuinely enjoyed it. More framed more than I was, with broad shoulders and a tall built stature, I’ll admit I was a bit put off when she first took off her helmet.

 

I didn't expect her to be _her_.

 

Because it seemed like everyone and their mother was into voice modulators and acting all _dark and mysterious_ on this goddamn base, I was under the impression that Captain Phasama was totally a dude.

 

 My thespianic expression had caught her attention, as she looked up from her helmet and chuckled.

 

“A bit of a surprise, isn’t it?” Relieved she was so light-hearted on the topic, a lot more than I thought she'd be, I smiled and shook my head.

 

“I meant no disrespect. It’s just your stature.” I said meekly. 

* * *

 After our session, the Captain had retreated into her dome and asked me to accompany her back to the mapping room. We were anticipating a transmission from one of her squadrons.

I slumped down into one of the roller chairs surrounding the mapping grid as the Captain loaded up a projection of the solar system we currently were traversing.

 

“General?” Phasma had never addressed me that way.

 

I turned my chair in the direction of her voice, which came from behind me.

 

“Why did you take the job?” Simply. Firmly.

 

I looked at the solid white floor she was standing on and gripped the armrests of the chair until my knuckles turned white. When I lifted my gaze back to her, she was in the same stance as when she posed the question.

 

“To be honest, I don’t know.”

 

Phasma seemed more displeased with my answer. I pressed to extend, hoping to satisfy her curiosity somewhat.

 

“Why do you ask?”

 

“I’m usually informed of all that happens within the First Order…” She stepped closer to me and narrowed her gaze.

 

“Yet I know nothing of you.”

 

I immediately pressed my left forefinger into my temple out of frustration and confusion. It didn’t feel like Phasma was lying for the sake of getting anything out of me. No one on this base knows who I am, or who I was beforehand.

 

“You have my name.” I chimed sarcastically and facetiously, but she didn’t laugh.

Neither did I.

 

Instead, I sighed and gave her a real answer.

 

“Hux asked me too. I owed him a favor.”

 

“I mean no impudence, but what favor could you have done for him to receive a position of hierarchy in the First Order?”

 

“Does it matter?”

 

My answer seemed to trigger some further thought from her end. She set her stare across to the opposing side of the room.

 

Just as I was about to say something, Kylo Ren walked in, followed by the little black parade that was his cape.

“Captain, you are required at the observation deck.” His voice sizzled and hissed through the modulator.

 

Relieved that I no longer had to keep up that conversation with Phasma, I got up and made my way out of the mapping room. She hadn’t spoken any words to me before she left, just a simple nod; and Ren had made it seem urgent since he didn’t send another trooper to fetch her. For the record, I hadn’t known the answer to that question myself. 

* * *

  I was finally back in my room, after taking a few detours; for the sake of taking up time. My head began to hurt as it always did, and I felt my face grow hot.

 

Then wet.

 

Then salt.

 

I was crying.

 

For what reason? There was no purpose in being upset. Nothing. I’d only ever cry when I was inconceivably bored or frustrated. But I couldn’t be, not now, at least.

 

My thoughts switched lanes and trekked towards Hux. I got that strangely flushed feeling in my stomach again, despite there not being any booze in me. Nor was he around. It was peculiar and sensational.

 

My fantasies were cut short by a polite, light-hearted knock at my door.

It was Ren.

 

Opening the doors to him, I watched as he stiffly made his way further into my privacy. Maybe I should be polite this time, and not spit in his face. Or cause any blunt force trauma.

 

It had been several weeks since our initial encounter, and I had yet to have much of interaction with Ren. He steered clear from me, and I had reciprocated. I didn’t feel the need to approach him at all. In fact, I thought I’d never have to speak with him again.

 

He took off his mask and set it beside him. His frame made a pillar-like shadow on my white walls, it connected and stretched across the ceiling.

 

“Have you been crying?” His voice shook me violently; it was still dark and profound, but much less textured. Like a ribbon of thick, lush velvet. He almost sounded entirely concerned.

 

“No.” My voice was firm and followed closely by another tear down my neck.

 

I caught his stare gliding down the side of my neck in sync with the teardrop making its way to the rising of my chest, and I began to feel a bit agitated.

 

“Why are you here?” I pressed, with no hesitation.

 

He looked at me, a little uncomfortable at first, but then eased as he began to speak.

 

“I came to apologize about storming outside your quarters. I meant to _address_ my _displeasure_ with  Hux. I didn’t realize you were present…”

 

Inhaling sharply from my nose, I furrowed my brows toward his response.

 

“It's quite alright….” I breathed out slowly, trying to picture why this was happening.

 

“Since you’re here…I apologize for uh, spitting in your face.”

 

He nodded in approval and then just kept staring at me.

 

Now that he was under the artificial lights of my room, I was able to perceive his features accurately. I could only describe his physique as a jigsaw puzzle. He had a very lean frame, but his shoulders seemed far too broad. His ears were a little big for his face, and so was his nose. He was pleasant to look at.

Well, at this point, stare at.

 

“I think you should go now.” My words didn’t seem to offend him, as he just nodded and walked out the same door he came in.

 

I listened for the click of the lock and dropped face first into my bed, praying for sleep. 

* * *

 After a half hour in bed, I came to a fruitless conclusion. This was going to be another insomniac night. Instead of waiting until morning like I had become accustomed too, I decided to try something new. Wrapping a red silk robe around my shoulders, I ventured out into the now dim corridors.

 

6100-A, 6110-A, 6120-A, 6130-A, 6140-A…

 

As I pressed further into the 6th wing, I started to feel neurotic as I reassured myself this wouldn’t be an entirely shit idea.

 

6266-B.

                                                                                                                                               

My knocks felt far too delicate to be heard, yet I heard rummaging coming from the opposing side of the door. I rocked back and forth on my heels, waiting in anticipation for the ginger on the other side to let me in.

 

“It’s like two in the morning, can’t it wait?” He froze and blinked several times at the sight of me.

 

“I can’t sleep,” I whispered, biting my lip as I finished.

 

Hux let me in and closed the door behind him. He was shirtless again, wearing nothing but a pair of black trousers. I took my robe off and set it on his couch, faintly recalling the first time I had sat on it. I felt him stir behind me.

 

Trying to block the placid stream of consciousness coming from his head, I walked across the room to his bed, bigger than I remembered it to be. Immediately, I let myself fall into the northern quarter of his bed.

After a bit, his weight sunk the sheets underneath me. I desperately wanted to move towards him. Although the scotch-like warmth had already nestled in my stomach, I wanted to engulf myself in him.

 

I started to question whether or not it was wrong of me to come over, but after he had his hand on my back, I stopped thinking altogether. Little bumps formed across my skin, where his hand was. A little hum stirred from the base of my throat, and I wondered whether or not it was audible enough for him to hear it.

 

“Ren’s psychologist arrived a little while ago and met with him…” He then proceeded to rub my back gently.

 

“That must’ve been why he came to me and apologized.”

 

“Did he now?” I hadn’t realized I was thinking out load.

 

I rolled over, removing my face from the sheets, and instead facing him. Propping myself up on my elbows, so that I leveled him, I looked into his eyes.

The minimal light coming from a small lamp on the opposing bedside reflected from his green eyes.

 

“Did you mean what you said? When you came into my room, and we were…we were-“ I was having trouble finding the right words. I’ve **never** been one to initiate a conversation, especially not one that had these kinds of implications.

 

He pulled me into him so that my legs were on his lap and my head against the crook of his neck.

 

“Yes. Have you been thinking about it?” His lips grazed my ear with every articulation, and he stroked my hair.

 

I pulled away from his chest to face him.

 

“I don’t know why. It’s not like I have prior experience, you know. But attraction is just a chemical reaction that’s romanticized…and I _know_ that, but-“

 

“You’re rambling.” He interjected, in a sing-song tone.

 

“What?” I asked, offended by his tone of voice.

 

“I’m not just saying it.” He hummed back.

 

“Let me remind you; you’re the one who got on his knees when you first saw my face.”

 

“And let me remind _you_ , that you’re the one who’s in bed with _me_ , in _my_ bedroom.”

 

I pulled myself off of him completely, stumbled off the bed, and stuck out my middle finger.

 

“Why don’t you come over here instead?” Cheeky fucker.

 

“No, fuck you.” I especially made sure to draw out the last two syllables.

 

“Fuck me?” He asked teasingly.

 

I ended up giving in and sitting at his bedside with several bottles of liquor for added company. For the first time of my life, I underwent a lack of control because of alcohol. My jokes weren’t as articulate as they were with the first sip, and eventually, there wasn’t even a punch-line. The distance I had kept from him soon came to a tight close as well, as my legs found themselves tangled up in his and one of his hands snaked its way up and down my thighs.

 

Our conversation died rather slowly, and I found myself waltzing around the perimeter of his quarters to an inaudible tune. It had to be well past 4 AM.

 

“Why aren’t you dancing with me?” Giggling, I waltzed over to him and tugged at his hands.

 

He looked at me as if he were considering, then got up and wrapped his hands around my waist.

 

“Because I’m too busy thinking about fucking you.” As he spoke, he grazed his lips against my ear and tightened his grasp on my hips.

 

Too drunk to respond coherently, I merely snickered and swayed gently with him.

 

“Look at me.” His voice had become softer, yet just as intense.

 

I giggled again and tilted my head upwards. He leaned in ever so slowly as if he was giving me a chance to pull away. But my depth perception was so off; I couldn’t move away if I wanted to. Frankly, I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to or not.

 

What I do know, was that he was stalling like a motherfucker. I moved my hands from his shoulders to the back of his head and pulled him further onto me. I didn’t know what I was doing, so I just waited for him to do…something.

At first, he just pressed his lips against mine; which were ridiculously soft. He began easing into it, pulling back softly and then pushing forward again. I felt odd and out of place, with his arms wrapped around me. The atmosphere around us was so silent; time could’ve stopped entirely, and it wouldn't be apparent. 

 

Abruptly, he pulled away from me. I whined in objection and waited for him to continue kissing me.

Only he didn't.

 

I opened my eyes to see why he was hesitating and found him staring at me. The look in his eyes was almost lustrous. There was a curiously profound sense of longing in his expression. It was so foreign,  I felt as though I had done something wrong.

 

“Is-“ He cut me off before I could ask.

 

This time, he was explicitly meticulous in the way he kissed me. Hux tasted even better this time, and I slowly began kissing him back. Barely maintaining contact with my skin, he guided one of his hands up my back, my neck, and eventually took hold of me entirely, running his fingers heatedly through the locks of my hair.

The new friction rose tiny hills under my skin, and I felt my chest rise significantly when he gently brushed the tip of his tongue on my bottom lip.

I couldn’t breathe.

 

I made a little noise when I had pulled away to breathe because Hux thought I had lost my balance and in an attempt to keep a better hold of me, he gripped my backside rather firmly.

I leaned into him again, and he met my lips with equal grace.

* * *

 Eventually, we made our way to his ocean of sheets, and I nestled against him as if my life depended on it. I lost consciousness almost immediately.


	4. Them Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Starkiller base gets attacked, along with your neverending independent ego. You also find out it's ridiculously easy to develop an eating disorder when you don't pay enough attention to yourself. Cheers.

I was in the middle of getting an actual night’s worth of rest when I got disrupted by the ongoing theme of knocking at my door 5 hours into the morning. My willpower to sleep had considerably dwindled since I boarded the ship; not that I had slept all that often beforehand. The knock bounced through my fogged brain and rattled my teeth.

I felt like I was starting to catch a cold.

 

With a graceful sense of urgency, I threw my night robe on and spread my sheets somewhat neatly. The knock was present again, but it sounded more urgent this time. Before opening the door, I took a knife from my old things that had I kept huddled in my closet and stuffed it in with my boot.

 

It was Captain Phasma. And she looked more distressed than a minor second interval.

 

I opened my mouth to speak, but she pushed me inside and locked the door behind her.

“Listen quick and listen well. Someone on the base right now is a rebel spy. They’ve been able to intercept our course and alert the rest of the resistance. A couple of fleets are on their way right now. General Hux has asked me to escort you immediately onto an escape ship and get you to the Finalizer.”

 

It took me a couple of seconds to properly grasp the last sentence.

 

“I am not going anywhere.”

 

“With all due respect- “I cut her off.

 

“No, fuck that. No one is going to send me away to escape from anything.”

 

The captain was unfazed by my response. She merely shrugged and trusted a blaster in my hand.

 

* * *

 

 

Heading down the corridors was chaos. Stormtroopers were running in every which way, seemingly under minimal direction. Some rebels were present. Things were on fire. It looked like a battlefield in every sense of the word. I spotted a short one, on the floor with his leg bent morbidly. Pushing bodies and debris out of the way, I noticed he was still alive and actively shooting. He couldn’t see me coming from behind him.

 

I picked up the pace and fought alongside Phasma, killing rebels in pairs of two. All too soon, the blaster Phasma had tossed me ran out of ammunition. There wasn’t enough time for me to pop in another clip, and there were still a few rebels crawling through the 6th wing.  I hastily recalled the blade I had tucked in my shoe and drove towards a rebel who had snuck up on Phasma.

 

The sick and guttural noises that came from his body had startled her, she turned and looked at me narrowly. She pushed me to her right and shot behind me. Another body hit the floor.

 

My night robe was now stained with blood and filled with holes.

 

“We’re going to the observation deck.” Phasma lead the way, stepping over corpses.

 

* * *

 

 

A scream of agony reverberated in the walk to the observation deck, Phasma and I rushed to find the source.

 

Kylo Ren was standing center with nearly a dozen rebel bodies surrounding him. Above us, there was another, levitating and struggling to breathe. With a small flick of Ren’s wrist, his body flew into the wall and fell flat on the ground.

 

“That was the last of them; Hux went after the spy.” He seemed unfazed. Instead, he was looking straight at me with all the intensity of the galaxy.

He grabbed me by the elbow and pulled me out of the deck. Phasma made a gesture to follow, and Ren raised his other hand to dismiss her. She walked away.

 

“I need to speak with you urgently.” He whispered.

 

I decided not to add a snarky reply and follow compliantly. After two lefts and one right, he stopped in the middle of the hall and let go of my arm.

 

“This is paramount.”

 

“I’m listening.”

 

Ren took off his helmet and shook his head. His curly hair waltzed across his face with each motion.

 

“Listen, you’re stronger than I anticipated. It’s obvious you’ve trained because I’ve seen you use it. So, regardless of why you’ve been here, now you’re needed. This proposition isn’t a favor for Hux anymore. It should be apparent enough that you are already in a plethora of danger…”

 

He stopped and stared at the ground. He seemed confused; like he had trouble finding the right words to say.

 

“But you can handle yourself, and the First Order is currently in a shortage of skilled individuals. I could mentor you.”

 

I eyed him expectantly, trying to decide what in the fuck he was going on about, and why any of this had happened in the first place. My silence caused Kylo to fidget and have another go.

 

“ _I’m_ asking you to _please_ _consider_ my suggestion, in hopes of furthering your efficient use of the Force.”

 

Those therapy sessions have been doing a number on him.

 

“I’d need to think about it.” It took me a while to come up the answer, but it ultimately was best to get some sleep on it before diving into something like that. My life just kept branching into different directions.

 

“_!” Hux called, from behind Kylo.

 

He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around me. I looked up at Ren who appeared to be rather uncomfortable by Hux’s unexpected display of affection. Out of nowhere, Hux took my face into one of his hands and kissed me thoroughly, as if Kylo wasn’t even there.

 

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Ren’s jaw clench like a makeshift animal trap.

It almost made me want to laugh.

 

I proceeded to return Hux’s kiss and slowly picked up on what he was thinking.

Seemingly so, Kylo could feel it too.

 

Abruptly, I was engulfed in an all-too-intense feeling of haughtiness and control. The feeling caused my face to flush with heat and a general sense of slight embarrassment.

Watching men assert their dominance was a pastime that I hadn’t had the luxury of partaking in, but it seemed to be quite the sport.

 

* * *

 

 

“It’s impossible; you couldn’t get through that many heads on your own.”

 

“That is exactly why I need you.”

 

The morning after the rebel invasion Kylo had called me into a barren conference room east of the 5th wing. I assumed he wanted a concrete answer on whether or not I was going to help him or not. I was only partially correct.

He most definitely needed my help, but the matter was entirely different.

 

The whistleblower had been captured and bound in an interrogation room somewhere below us, and Ren proved convinced the only reasonable way to get around this was to interrogate the aggressor along with everyone else aboard the ship.

And by interrogating, he meant using the Force to invade their minds, but all I could hear was ‘waste of time.' It made no sense to put all the effort into reading the minds of so many people. It’d be highly exhausting, and it would take more time than it was worth.

 

Eventually, Ren just stopped responding and insisted I go to the room the whistleblower was held in along with him.

 

“You’re expecting me to do this with you? At the same time?”

 

Instead of giving me a reply, he began to walk.

And so I followed.

 

“How do you do it?”

 

“What?” Preoccupied with counting all the door frames we had passed by, the sudden break of silence caught me by surprise.

 

“Reading.”

 

“I-uh, just listen? And sometimes feel?” That was not the answer he was expecting to hear.

 

 

“That doesn’t make sense, elaborate.” He came off as very demanding, and I searched for a way to adequately describe it without sounding incoherent.

 

I thought back to when I first did it, or rather, allowed myself to do it. Other people’s thoughts, feelings, and minds were always open and there. I could _feel_ them, in a metaphysical sense.

 

I had a friend, a companion, that I did business with. He would teach me things; how to speak to people, how to detach myself from them, how to be efficient and purposeful.

 

The day of my birthday, something went wrong with a job he was taking care of. He hardly came back to me, with his veins poking through his skin in black tint.

 

I clearly recalled gripping the helm of his collar in agony, as I experienced his suffocation and eventual death with him. As he was dying, I saw the woman that kissed the poison into him.

 

Kylo cleared his throat.

 

* * *

 

 

The way he read people was terrifying.

 

We had stepped into the room, and he didn’t bother speaking to the man strapped in the metal chair. Instead, he just pressed his palm against the man’s head.

Immediately, the man began to scream.

The sound reached my ears much sooner than I could process it coming, I shut my eyes tightly in recoil. Against the man’s agonizing cries, I could hear Kylo chanting beneath him.

 

“Let me in. Let me in. Let me in.”

 

The man in the chair must’ve taken all he could because the screaming stopped abruptly. I opened my eyes to an exceedingly frustrated Kylo Ren.

 

“This always _fucking happens!_ ” He yelled, slamming his fists against the wall beside him.

 

“In the least opportune moments, right when I have no time to spare…” Instead of yelling, Ren’s voice has devolved into a growl and turned towards me.

 

“Forget this for right now, go back to whatever the fuck it is you do.” He rose a hand and left before I could respond.

I wondered quietly to myself if the man let him in.

 

I eyed the man carefully and placed my left hand on the metal brace around his neck. I felt the tip of my pinky graze his skin and instantaneously I felt a surge of terrible heat consume my body.

 

* * *

 

 

Suddenly, I was in a bar.  Present was chatter and the thick stench of tobacco. Men surrounded me, laughing, drinking. I had an unconscious woman in my lap. She had thick, fresh bruises on her face and neck. I tried shaking her awake but then found myself back in the interrogation room, soaked in a cold sweat.

 

The sudden change of environment made me dizzy. I flinched my hand away and left before the man could wake up.

As I attempted to sleep that night, I grew incredibly curious.

 

I wanted desperately to see the rest of that memory.

 

* * *

 

 

“I need you with me for this.” I tried to sound like I wasn’t nervous, but I was. The prior experience was the first time in years I’ve felt some natural curiosity.

 

Hux put the nervousness to rest by placing his hands on my waist. Instead of replying, he gave me a gentle kiss and gestured me towards the door to the interrogation room.

 

* * *

 

 

The woman wasn’t on my lap again. She had her arms and legs tied behind her torso. This memory was earlier to the one I had experienced prior because she didn’t have the bruises. I could see her face clearly. She looked too familiar.

 

* * *

 

 

I was beginning to feel very sick.

_All the time._

Sometimes I’d have to leave meetings to vomit, coming back when they’d already dismissed, and I had to be rebriefed. Occasionally it would happen during the night, forcing me to wake up and stumble to the nearest toilet and hurl. Once in a while, I’d pull away from Hux and lock myself up in the bathroom, far too embarrassed to let him see me like this.

I had been eating way less than normally and didn’t think of it as a problem. I never really felt hungry anymore. Whenever I did eat, I’d just throw it up.

 I refused to visit the medical wing for a full week before giving up.

 

Apparently, I looked atrocious.

 

The constant vomiting had me horribly dehydrated, enough so that I started hallucinating. I woke in one of the most overly lit sterile rooms I had ever seen in my entire life. The walls were far too bright. It almost hurt to look at them.

 

Hux wanted to visit me badly. He’d leave notes and watch me sleep via hologram. It was just his luck I was never conscious when he had the time.

 

Over the course of several breaks into consciousness, I was able to make a vague conclusion of what had happened to me.

 

According to one of the doctors who was in charge of me and the droid he was speaking to, my lack of eating had caused my stomach to react negatively to food. And not eating for prolonged periods of time had caused my body to start slowly breaking down.

Thinking about it too much made me feel pathetic. I had developed an eating disorder without even being aware of it.

 

After what felt like a few weeks, I was finally able to prop myself on my elbows and stay awake for a couple of minutes at a time.

 

As soon as I was well enough for visits, Hux and I got into an argument.

 

“Am I not allowed to be worried about you?”

 

“Why would you be? I’m not even a permanent figure in your life. I’m only doing this because it was the only viable option I had. It **had** to happen.”

 

“Because I **_chose_** for it to happen!”

 

“Yeah well, I **_choose_** for you to leave. So get the fuck out, and don’t come back until you’re less of a pompous piece of shit!”

 

As his face sunk, he took a couple of steps back and left.

He didn’t even slam the door.

 

Hux came in as soon as he heard I was coherent enough, and healthy enough, for real visitors. He started spewing a bunch of romantic bullshit about ‘loving me’, not feeling like himself while I was in bed, and being sorry for not paying more attention to me.

All of it made me feel annoyed, and I snapped at him.

 

It felt like he wasn’t aware of me being independent. I didn’t need or want him to be at my every beck and call, showering me with roses and promises of good fortune.

In fact, I didn’t even want to be here.

 

I looked up at the IV that was hooked up to my inner left arm and then back at the door.

One of the nurses walked in just then.

 

“Your heart rate went up a bit, are you alright General?”

 

“You will remove this IV and unlock the doors.”

 

She abruptly came to my left bedside and undid the IV, leaving a small red dot on my skin.

She left quickly and left the doors behind her open.

 

I hurriedly rummaged through the room, looking for my belongings. Every shuffling sound and footstep had me on edge. After I had found them, I made it my top priority to get the fuck off of the Finalizer, and get as far away from these unwanted emotional strains as I possibly could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy Moly! It's been awhile, but school's over (for now), so you can expect this month to have a couple of chapters pumped through!  
> This chapter was quite a mess, as suggested by the title, inspired by a song I like that has a lot of weird tonal chord changes. Regardless, I tried to cram a couple of things in here as a basis of what's to come, writer's block hit me pretty hard for weeks, and I couldn't think of anything AT ALL.  
> I hope you guys enjoy anyways, and if you have any critiques or something doesn't flow well, please let me know!  
> I love to hear from people!


	5. Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren has inexplicably immense and profound feelings about you. Let's explore them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry my loves, I've been super busy. I'm back from my vacation, but band rehearsals picked up immediately afterward. I hoped that I could upload a bit more frequently since there's a lot of work to be done on my part, but time just catches up on 'ya. Anywho, I hope it's not too much of a letdown, as I do fully intend on finishing this story.  
> This chapter was written in a new point of view, as I'm trying to explore ways of improving the diversity in my writing. I hope this little experiment proves to be fruitful in both my learning and your enjoyment.   
> As always, feedback is greatly appreciated. (Especially on this chapter.)

Kylo Ren had tried very hard to keep himself isolated since she had boarded the ship. She was far too much for him to take in. Hux had brought her, and no matter how many times Ren had thought he’d come to a sound conclusion, he was never sure whether it was to spite him, or if Hux had become soft.

Never the less, she was the biggest distraction he had ever encountered.

Ren continuously assured himself that there would never be anything like it.

 

The emotions that consumed him were peculiar, to say the least.

He wanted to know what her skin felt like. So much, in fact, that he’d sometimes caress his flesh as if it were her’s.

He wanted to know what caused her voice to sound so dulcet and velvet-like. He’d often spend nights whispering to himself, trying to match the alto pitches with his baritone. It’d just make him hungry and restless.

He wanted to know what she tasted like, so he stopped eating and drinking for a whole week. He had hoped it would convince his body that he couldn’t taste anything anymore. It only made the thought of her taste heavier on his conscious.

 

All of it was driving Kylo mad. He was going insane with the insatiable thoughts of a woman who wanted nothing to do with him.

Efforts on her end to avoid him were unmistakable.

 

As the weeks passed by, Master Snoke had taken notice to his apprentice’s predicament.

 

For one day, mid-meditation session, he interrupted Kylo with a very incriminating question.

 

“Are you aware you’re just making yourself miserable and unfocused?”

 

Kylo immediately broke out of his state.

 

“You know nothing, Kylo. Nothing at all.”And with that, Snoke had sent him away.

 

These words would frequent the conflicted Knight of Ren more than the moons of Jupiter.

 

Despite the stand-offish response of his master and his own better judgment, Kylo grew weary with want. He’d watch her whenever she wasn’t aware. She slowly became somewhat complacent about her situation and her nights would frequent themselves with Hux. 

* * *

 

Then she began to wilt.

Her face was the first telltale sign of her discomfort. Kylo doubted it at first, assuming it was the time of the month or her nights merging with days. But it got worse.

               She often had opted out of meetings, stayed much more quiet than usual, and spent her nights alone.

Again, it appeared reasonable at first.

 

Until she stopped showing up in the mornings at all. Kylo hadn’t heard her voice in a full week.

The last he’d seen of her, she was apparently sick and was being taken cared of.

 

Five days had gone by.

* * *

 The shouting coming from the room she was staying in surprised Ren.

 

He had decided he wanted to pass by and get a glimpse of her but now didn’t seem quite opportune. As he neared the door, silence had taken over.

 

Hux quietly swept past by Ren, without even acknowledging him.

 

Instead of pressing forward, entering the woman’s room, Kylo found himself feeling uncomfortable.

 

Right now, it was evident that there was something wrong. As Ren recalled, the general had never looked as decomposed as he did when he walked past Ren; and was bound to unravel in all the alcohol he kept in his bedroom.

 

Although it appeared to be the perfect time to slip into a crevice created by the new circumstance, Kylo felt _scared._

 

For the first time in his life.

Fear was an emotion he was so used to controlling.

_He_ instilled it upon others.

 

And yet, he was scared. He didn’t know her. She could react a thousand different ways and Kylo wouldn’t have the wits nor the composure to deal with every possible response; because he couldn’t guarantee she’d accept and behave accordingly. Otherwise, it’d be no fun.

 

And it had consumed too much of him.

 

What kind of man would he be if he gave up on something he hadn’t even fully started?

 

Kylo turned on his heel and went back to his quarters, filled with a determination met by no other.

* * *

 It was the next stage of his pitfall.

 

That of which he could recognize.

 

It was obsessive. Not too intensely, but enough to be distinguishable from previous feelings.

 

Kylo made his way to General Hux’s office nearing 3 AM. He didn’t bother knocking, and invited himself in; knowing very well that Hux would be unconscious and hungover.

 

The man had fallen on his couch with an empty bottle in his hand. His head was inches from the ground and his legs rested against the armrest of the sofa. Ren made his way over to the end where Hux’s head lay, and lightly placed his fingers against his temples.

 

There she was. Gracious.

 

The argument hadn’t been too bad. There was a certain grit to her voice that felt sharp. She sounded annoyed, maybe even hurt. Or she was an excellent liar. Kylo drew himself away from the memory before Hux could raise his voice.

* * *

Maybe he shouldn’t have.

 

But he evidently wanted to.

 

Her room was empty. She had taken all her things and disappeared.

 

Kylo didn’t hesitate in looking for her.

 

Asking Captain Phasma would’ve been embarrassing if he hadn’t been for his now unsettling obsession.

 

“Why do you want to know?” She raised an eyebrow and looked very surprised.

 

Kylo was grateful he was wearing his helmet because he just might’ve been flushed.

 

“She hasn’t responded to my offer of training her, and her medical log has been empty for the past seven hours.”

 

There it was again.

 

That insatiable _want._

 

His comment would’ve received a much more interesting response if Phasma and _ hadn’t gotten so well acquainted.

 

Instead of a witty remark, the Captain’s face dropped immediately.

 

“I’m going check the ship’s departures.” Captain Phasma nearly stepped out of earshot before Ren could reply.

 

“You think she’d leave?”

 

Without moving her body, Phasma gave a slit tilt of her head and spoke carefully.

 

“I know her a hell of a lot better than you do.”

* * *

 

 Captain Phasma was absolutely right.

 

At 3:52 AM, an unscheduled and uncleared ship left. It was a cargo ship, with no passengers detected on board.

 

“Do you have any idea where she might’ve gone?” Kylo would’ve been digging holes into his temples if it weren’t for his gloves.

 

“The nearest planet is quite a ways if we leave now we might catch up to her before she reaches the nearest solar system. The cargo ships aren’t designed to go too far.”

 

Kylo paid petite attention to the next couple of sentences that came out of her mouth. He was feeling too angry to focus on anything.

 

That is until the Captain mentioned General Hux.

 

“He will remain in the fleet and oversee it until we return. There will be no mention of it to him.”As he spoke, he slammed his fist against the arm of the chair he was sitting in.

 

Thankfully, Captain Phasma left him alone and began sending orders out for the ship they were going to take.

 

The only thing on his mind was getting his soon-to-be apprentice back.

 

He paid no mind to how sickeningly obsessed he had become.

 

Turned a blind eye to the premature and now extinct feelings of embarrassment that had left traces of themselves in his thoughts.

 

He knew exactly what he wanted, and exactly how to get it.

 

Nothing in the universe was ever going to stop him.

 

And as the excitement of seeing her face filled him with heat and longing, Kylo sat.

 

Heavy; but light.

 

High on his throne of want.

 

 


	6. Passionfruit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You come back and reveal something about yourself.

I spent too much time contemplating whether to get the off cargo ship. It made several stops over the course of what felt like forever, but I had no idea where it was going or what to do when I got somewhere. If I intended to leave the First Order and completely ignore the impending galactic war, what the fuck would I do with myself?  My prior source of income lay in these parts of the galaxy. I’d have to establish an entire line of new contacts in a region I didn’t have a history in so I couldn’t be traced. And that's if I could pick up assassinations again. Slowly, I started to question why I ran away in the first place.

I finally chose a stop, my stomach was pleading for food, and my skin ached to feel some kind of sunlight.

The cargo ship glided into the orbit of something, settled, and I heard dozens of other ships around it. I must’ve landed on a relatively populated planet. Maybe all the waiting wasn’t so bad.

* * *

 

I had found myself walking down a crowded street and overshadowed by towering skyscrapers that could pierce the atmosphere. From all different directions, there were conversations and various noises of a docking bay I had no business being on. I rushed over to look at the large schedule board that had updated information from all landings and departures.

 I was on Hosnian Prime.

I pulled the hood from my cloak overhead and changed my loose wander into a guided saunter. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a member of the Resistance because of a patch on his jacket. He looked no older than 25 and walked like he the galaxy in the palm of his hands. I noticed another person walking with him, he was distinctly younger and looked up to the other with stars in his eyes.

“Did you hear? They say that Luke Skywalker will be found soon! Some plan has been set in motion to find a map!” Spoke the older one, enthusiasm dripping like honey from his voice.

“Like a treasure map?” The younger one was ecstatic and completely captivated.

I walked away as quickly as I could without looking suspicious. This couldn’t possibly be good.

Hosnian Prime was the capital of the New Republic. The safe haven of The Resistance. The older one caught me staring, and slowly moved his left hand over to his belt.

Luke Skywalker? The last of the Jedi; alive? Could that be why Kylo Ren wanted me to train with him? To harness my Force sensitivity and nurture it in case Luke wasn’t the last of the Jedi?

More importantly, how many people knew this? How popular was this rumor?

My innocent saunter broke into a frantic sprint, and as I dodged around people walking in my opposite direction, I sought out the dock I dropped off. If I retraced my steps to the cargo ship I boarded, maybe I could find one that was in reverse transit, and it was evident that the pilot had recognized I wasn’t supposed to be here.For once my life was in danger in a situation I had poor control over.                                                                      

I arrived at the docking port and felt massive disappointment. All the incoming and outcoming ships were entirely different, there’s was no way I could identify any of them, there was no indicator that I was aware of, and I never bothered to go over the security processes because I never found them relevant. How convenient. I didn’t have any way of contacting anyone without it being filtered by the rebels anyhow.

Suddenly, someone grasped my wrist with an immense grip. My pulse seemingly stopped at the base of my throat, and without hesitation, I pulled out my lightsaber.

They say that when a human is faced with a situation in which they are caught off guard, they act within the spectrum of fight or flight.

I, being the aggressive little shit I was, chose fight; always.

As my saber expanded and crackled into life, the absence of rays caught in dozens of eyes of bystanders, sullen with surprise.

It was Phasma, out of armor and cloaked from head to toe.

If I weren't so defiant in not showing too much emotion, my face would’ve been contoured in horror as the realization of my actions unfolded in my brain.

I had just revealed to over a hundred dozen members of The Resistance that I was a lightsaber-wielding member of the First Order that wasn’t Kylo Ren.

An immediate threat. A catalyst for collision.

Almost instantaneously, multiple bodies ran towards me and Phasma, who had yet to give some indication as to how she found me and what she was doing here. But now wasn’t the time.

I swung my saber in and out of numerous bodies coming from all angles, trying desperately to find a window of escape, and keeping an eye on Phasma in case she’d beat me to it. The crowd around us quickly formed into a circle, surrounding us and making it impossible to escape by running. I frantically flipped the pages of Phasma’s memory to figure out how’d she’d gotten here, and made a strict effort into keeping as still as possible.

“Yield the saber and drop it with the blaster, now.” The voice came from a man, outside my peripheral.

Phasma turned to me, raising a brow. I wordlessly told her to wait, and follow my lead.

With stiff limbs I turned to face the man, lightsaber still extended and humming in anticipation.

Three men, including the one who spoke, pulled the triggers on their blasters.

I outstretched my palm as if to catch the blaster shots like butterflies, and they hung suspended in mid-air. I pushed the Force that separated us from the Resistance squadron and threw the blaster shots back at them.

Just as their bodies hit the ground, the sky above was overcome with First Order TIE-fighters and Atmospheric Assault Landers. Stormtroopers began dropping in all directions and gunning down the Resistance around us.

Wordlessly, again, I urged Phasma to search for the Carrion Spike. If this assault was planned, there was a possibility it'd be around. Instead of complying, Phasama shook her head and grabbed my wrist.

“What are you doing?” I growled in confusion.

“I'm taking you with me, idiot!” She hissed back.

I wanted to say something back and resist her intentions, but the area around us quickly became a hectic battlefield, with dozens of ships burning and exploding around us; tons of bodies belonging to Stormtroopers and Resistance members alike. I decided to submit.

Her grip never lessened, and I tried to think ahead of the current situation. She wasn’t whom, or what I was running away from, her presence was comforting, and I knew that as soon as the opportunity presented itself, she’d tell me anything and everything. She wasn't the type to scold or harass, and my relationship with her was in good standing.

Phasma and I ran just a few feet before coming upon Kylo Ren.

He was impossible to miss; with his ragged and angry lightsaber furiously crackling as it cut through bodies and metal alike. Although he had his back turned towards me, I knew he felt my presence. We joined him wordlessly, finishing off the group that surrounded him.

Watching Ren push forward was invigorating, I’d never seen anyone move so recklessly through a battlefield with such efficiency. It would’ve almost been graceful if I hadn’t had the ability to sense the livid intent behind his every move.

 Out of nowhere, I felt something singe my right leg.

It was a blaster shot.

My leg stiffened, but I forcefully turned to the direction of the shot and found it’s father. The resurgence of my lightsaber caught in the eyes of my attacker and with the little adrenaline I had left, I chopped his head off clean. Before it reached the ground, I fell onto one knee. Phasma came up behind me, and I stopped her.

“Keep going.” I insisted, my voice kept and didn’t reveal an ounce of the pain I was currently in.

She took another step towards me, and I stood, with a limp, and outstretched my free hand.

Without a word, she turned around and headed into the opposite direction, where we were originally heading. Ren didn’t stop, but I took notice of his observance. I summoned the will of the Force to keep moving. This was no time to falter.

 I continued to use the Force, although it was heavily draining. I had never relied on it so much in my life. Kylo grew tenser and more observant, and I mimicked him whenever he exerted his own ability.

We had swept the near entirety of the Captial in a matter of hours.

As I finished putting out a fallen rebel pilot, a stormtrooper trudged towards us and claimed that the entire capital had been clear, and there was an official surrender from the rebels.

Kylo faced the landing Starkiller and absently nodded.

The ramp was being deployed, and there was a sharp and very powerful pain in my chest and temples.

“Fuck.” Was all I could utter before it began to subdue me. I fell to my knees and readied myself to pass out, I could sense I was going to.

It was as if all the injuries I had withstood during all the fighting had surfaced and registered in my nervous system all at once. I felt my brain begin to panic, and my digits starting to tremble. The gorgeous double sunset on Hosnian Prime was swimming around my head like stars around an injured cartoon. I dropped the hilt of my lightsaber beside me, and stared at my hands, they were covered in blood and sweat.

I looked back up at Ren, he stood before me unnervingly.

The last thing I saw was Captain Phasma’s stoic face.

* * *

 

I awoke, dazed and confused, in a room far too familiar to the one I escaped from. I had an IV in my both my arms and a man sitting at the foot of my bed.

I tried to sit up but lacked the energy to do so.

“You shouldn’t move, reserve your strength. You’re going to have to be conscious and explain a few things to me.”

I squinted and reluctantly realized who it was.

“Why did you leave?” His voice was thick and surprisingly patient.

“Having me around Hux is a conflict of interest,” I said flatly.

He hummed in response and remained quite for a few minutes.

“Do you love him?” He was staring at me this time. I had nearly forgotten how beautiful his features were.

I frowned and shook my head.

Several moments had passed before he asked another question.

“How did you manage to last?” I furrowed my brows at his new inquiry.

“You stubbornly kept fighting, even though your body couldn’t.” He said, curiously.

“You kept Phasma fighting too, despite…” Kylo’s voice died into the quiet hum of the computer tracking my vitals.

Instead of responding, I let the hum of the machine lull me to sleep.

* * *

 

Kylo Ren was still in the same spot when I awoke again, I wondered if he had shifted at all since I knocked out. His face stiffened as soon as he noticed I had regained consciousness.

_I need you to understand._

Instead of hearing his voice, his lips remained shut, and I felt his timbre in my skull.

_My master, he **feels** your presence. You're too capable to let go of._

I met his eyes and struggled to think.

“You're what caused the Force to awaken, and I cannot let you succumb to the light.” He spoke with his mouth this time, his voice still carried the same timbre as it did in my head.

He moved over to my bedside and took my hand into his gloved ones.

_Join me._

The light, and dark. I’d never felt them pull at me until I met Kylo Ren.

I was well enough to walk now, strength slowly resurging into my body like calmer waves after a storm. Kylo Ren had asked me to finally meet his Master, Supreme Leader Snoke.

“You're sure this is the sole reason why you want her to become your apprentice?”

“Yes.”

It was hard not to gawk at the figure that belonged to him. He was a hologram, a giant one at that, and his figure was so elegantly projected, I could've sworn he was a ghost.

His gaze turned to me, scrutinizing.

“Close your eyes and breathe. Deeply.”

I did as he asked, hesitant and curiously.

I don't know how or why, but as soon as I took air into my lungs, my entire body iced over like it had been sprayed with liquid nitrogen. Sequentially, my veins burned and itched as if they were being set on fire.

_Darling, tell me what you see._

“Just darkness.”

As soon as I spoke, there was a sudden shift in the atmosphere.

_Is that all?_

Through the dark that I was metaphysically encompassed in, I outstretched my trembling hands and aimlessly sifted through the pools of nothing in front of me. Inexplicably, I felt a presence. Something around me that was foreign, malignant.

Just as quickly as I entered the trance, I fell out of it. The continuity of my motions causing to stumble to the ground and fall at Supreme Leader Snoke’s holographic feet.

“The dark side calls to you so desperately.” He spoke, voice unwavering.

I remained on the floor, palms open and still very much cold. Both of them remained silent, and slowly, I regained my stance. I didn’t hang my head, and I wondered endlessly what any of that meant. How could’ve he had triggered that vision? I saw nothing in it, but the darkness that surrounded me was palpable.ru8

“You’re dying of fear, aren’t you?”

The words struck me like back-handed slaps. I tried to breathe steadily and think of anything else but the words he said.

“You’ve already lost everything you held dear, I can see it in your eyes.”

I looked up a the Supreme Leader, helpless to his prying mind.

“There is no need for you to feel ashamed of your fear.” The hologram leaned closer, enough so that his cast was in arms reach.

“You have so much to offer, I almost feel sorry for you.” Slowly, I rose my chin, leveling my gaze with his, trying to nervously find what he could see in me reflected in his lifeless eyes. He held my look tentatively for a moment and immediately dropped it.

He dismissed us, and I felt as if all the air in my lungs had escaped all at once.

I followed Ren silently out. 

* * *

 

 “Are you going to stay?”

I knew she would ask, and I didn’t want to answer because I was discontent with my feelings. Phasma caught on and leaned in closer to me so that no one could see the movements of her lips as she spoke.

“Seriously, think about it. You’ve got nothing to lose. Whatever you had going on for you before wasn’t cutting it, you were utterly bored with your life, and it only became interesting when you complied with the favor you owe Hux. Now you’ve got a presence, and you’re a precious extension of the First Order.”

Her hushed words reverberated in my ear, and everything she was saying made sense.

“Look, I know you don’t get along well with Kylo, he takes some getting used to. But there _is_ a very definitive reason why he asked you to become his apprentice. He hasn’t felt the presence of the force since I’ve met him. You are the first person he’s come across that can control it. I believe that fate has brought you both together. You’ve awoken the force, darling. This isn’t a role you can deny. Especially if the Supreme Leader encourages it.”

“I’m not trying to run away from it,” I whined, knowing fully well that she wouldn’t believe me.

“Then stay.”

I stared into the bottom of my glass and rolled the thought in my mind over.

She was entirely right. I had no family, no real tangible part of my life that withheld any meaning or any reason to protect it. If I were to chose to remain on that path, there would be very few and controllable consequences. It was enough to convince me, but it didn’t satisfy the mix of desire and frustration I felt towards Hux.

I hadn’t misplaced my initial feelings of indecision with our rocky and inconsistent relationship. I hated him, abhorred him, yet I craved the heat that radiated off of his skin and how badly he wanted me. The choke in my throat that took over every single time we became intimate, the foreign feeling of raw and unprecedented desire. But Hux’s urge to have me caused an upstir within me and my image. I wasn’t a woman to be contained, or cherished. There was nothing about me that equated to how he wanted to treat me. In essence, the basis of our relationship was a gruesome craving. It was probable that it would end that way too. And if it were to continue, there was a chance for feelings; sensations that belonged to the dead.

“I should know better,” I stated flatly, with a giant frown on my face.

“It’s not always that easy.”

I tried to imagine it, the clearest picture I could form in my head. Such a sudden and shitty connection.

“What do you want from life?” Captian Phasma was throwing daggers at me, and I was thinking far too slow.

Despite it being a loaded question, I answered it as quickly as I could. Hoping that my immediate response was in the act of honesty.

“Purpose.”

The thought of revealing the brief mention of Luke Skywalker being found teetered in and out of mind.

“That's simple. Your purpose is here.”

“There is a special gala in a weeks’ time being hosted on the Starkiller base. Kylo has invited a couple guests in hopes of unveiling the Death Star’s long awaited successor. I’ve arranged for you attend, General.” She now eyed me with a somber tone and sighed.

I closed my eyes briefly, trying to think of what I would do if I didn’t show up. Surely there wasn’t anyone expecting me to be there.

“I’d like you to attend. I really wanna see you in a dress.” I opened my eyes as she said this, and she was trying to smile.

I grinned back half-heartedly and began to rise. 

* * *

 

The few days I had to consider went by painfully slow. My mind was made from the moment Phasma walked out of my room.

Surprisingly, my bedroom on the Finalizer was left untouched. My clothes were still scattered about on the floor, and the bed had been undone.

The morning, before I had to make my decision, was painfully slow. I must’ve cleaned and reorganized every aspect of my bedroom a million times, enough that I had refamiliarized myself with every corner, nook, and door frame in the entire room.

I was physically much better than when I had left, the things that bothered me were solely external, and I could respond to them appropriately.

The conversation I held with Phasma a week ago kept replaying itself over and over in my head. My mind kept tripping over the words she spoke, clawing desperately in hopes of finding some meaning in her direct and unexpected presence.

My circling came to a halt as soon as I noticed I hadn't taken a look at the wardrobe. Compared to everything else, it was the sole thing that wasn’t how I had left it. I turned the knob and pushed the panels apart.

Inside, concealed and extravagant, was a long, silk blood red dress. Held up by a velvet hanger, it had tightly designed curves, tailored to perfection. If my jaw could close, I'd frown. Captain Phasma had to have been out of her mind.

I eyed it curiously, wistfully picturing how it would look on me. My body wasn't something I took lightly, and certainly not modestly. I've worked very hard on my figure, and I was proud of it.

As if struck by lighting, I snapped out of thought and abruptly pulled my nightly garments off, stripping eagerly with excitement.

The fabric was lush and pure. It must've cost a fortune to acquire this and to tailor it so delicately…

It fit like my own skin. Light as air, soft as a breeze.

I slowly waltzed over to the full body mirror that neighbored the quaint little closet.

Even with my messy bed head, I looked and felt ethereal. Now I knew why Phasma dropped that comment.

I pulled a chair over, sat with one leg over another and watched myself as I drew out the knots in my hair with my fingers.

It was the most narcissistic moment I've ever experienced with myself. It felt good. I felt real.                       

Phasma had left a beautiful pair of mid-size velvet black pumps in the corner of the wardrobe, and as I slipped those on, I had a momentary lapse of indecision. There was no point in turning back now, I was already dolled up and ready to face whatever awkward conversation and glass of wine that came my way.

I grabbed my thick black cloak and swung it over my shoulder. Hux had gifted it to me, it was handwoven and stilled smelled of him. His scent lingered, somber yet sweet, and I could faintly feel the warmth he’d envelop me in. Could it be possible to rekindle the infant flames that I showered in dirt?

I crept out of my quarters and into the freezing halls of the Finalizer once again.

* * *

 

 “Stars, _ I honestly didn’t think you’d come!”

Captain Phasma was in full uniform beside her plates and her helmet. Her eyes widen as she took in the rest of my silk drenched figure.

“You look better than I anticipated.”

I humored her and bent into a delicate curtsey, feeling the silk ride over the exposed parts of my skin. Phasma and I spent the earlier parts of the evening together, indulging in alcohol.

The atmosphere on the Starkiller was airy and almost whimsical. I interacted politely with the people who recognized me, it seemed as though my disappearance wasn’t news to them, no one had heard or talked about it. It was almost as if I had never left.

That is until I met gaze with Kylo Ren.

I had given a lot of thought to our conversation in the infirmary. Maybe I shouldn’t be so stubborn.

Though there wasn’t too much distance between us, his walk across the floor felt like he was traveling across the stars.

When he was finally within reach, I felt his aura hit me like a rolling wave. I could feel my breathing get heavier, and yet, he looked at me with a tranquility so great, it made me feel flushed.

He extended his hand, gloved and unwavering, and I took it.

“Good evening, General.”

* * *

 

He wasn’t awkward, nor stifled.

It was in his interest to for us to disappear from the groups and the cluster, I agreed and followed cautiously.

He led me into an extravagant circular room that held a full view of Hosnian Prime and its moon.

“I’ve made up my mind,” I mumbled, glassy-eyed and enamored by the celestial body suspended before me.

Kylo approached my side and turned himself towards me.

“I don’t know what’s to come from this, or how to feel about it, but something tells me it’s what I ought to do.”

My honesty was unnerving, the sound of my voice dissipating into the metal around us made my hair rise. I wanted to see his face, hoping to find some response in his eyes instead of his infuriating silence.

He pulled cowl and removed his mask as soon as the thought entered my mind, his face was a mirror of my own as if he was feeling exactly the way I was feeling.

I looked into his eyes. I knew what I was looking for.

A small sliver of what Phasma was talking about; I was hoping to catch it unaware of itself. I didn’t trust him, I don’t know if I ever could. But I wanted to know if he could trust me.

I could feel his mind clouding as if there was something he didn’t want me to see, or at least not this way.

“Can you be honest with me?”

I nodded, expectantly.

“Who did you lose?” His last syllable echoed throughout the room.

His inquiry shook me.

Almost involuntarily, I took a step closer to him, steadying myself on the steel rail that separated the floor from the observatory glass.

He waited patiently for me to answer, and despite my best efforts, my lips trembled terribly as I unsheathed my mental walls.

“I had a partner.” Frustrated, I dropped his gaze and looked to the stars once again. The light they reflected was cloudy with my tears welling up in my waterline. It had been so long since I'd thought of him, so much of me was ashamed for falling so helplessly in love with him.

“He knew I did. At first, he ridiculed me for it. ‘It weakens you,’ is what he’d always tell me. Those kinds of emotions weren’t suited for the type of life we live. But I was young and vulnerable. I needed him to be around so I could be safe, his presence kept me sound.”

I gripped the steel railing tighter, so much that my knuckles turned white. I looked over at Ren, and he silently beckoned me to continue.

“There was this woman he spent a lot of time with. At first, it didn’t bother me. But he ended up spending more time rolling around with her than he spent taking care of us. Eventually, it got to a point where he stopped taking contracts, he made me assume his place, and it made me sick. No one could’ve known him better than I did, and he couldn’t see that. He pushed me away.”

I paused to stop the lump in my throat from suffocating me. It was frustrating to start over again.

“Before his death, we received a transmission from some guy in the Outer Rim. He somehow managed to find a ridiculous amount of pure kyber crystals.” I hesitantly put my hand in my bra and reached underneath my breast and pulled out a faded crimson crystal.

Holding it up by the thin leather wrapping around it, I let it dangle at eye level with Kylo. He watched me intently, still silent and anticipating the rest of my story.

 

“He agreed to pay us with them if we managed to kill his mistress and her children. Apparently, his mistress had reconciled with her previous husband, and kept his children behind our contractor’s back.”

 

I lowered the necklace and tucked it back into place.

“?” As he spoke, I closed my eyes and reluctantly projected the memory as clearly as I could remember it.

* * *

 

It was my birthday.

 

The waves were lazily lap dancing the shore, and the horizon was shimmering against a sun that hadn’t full risen yet. I felt the presence of someone coming up behind me, a fragile warmth inching through my extremities.

 

I turned around to meet it, and nearly fell apart all at once.

 

The love of my life was staring at me, open-armed and trembling.

 

“I’ve been neglecting you.” Although his voice was shaking, I could still feel it tug on every nerve in my body. I collapsed into his chest. As soon as our skin made contact, I could sense something was wrong.

 

“I never meant to make you feel this way.” As he continued to speak, his voice strained further and further; as if he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. I squeezed him tighter in spite of this, and felt him gasp against me.

 

Frantically, I looked up at him, cupping his face into my hands.

 

“Leo, what’s wrong? Why are you saying these things?” My voice was almost shaky as his, and my skin was freezing over with fear.

 

He raised his hands and pulled my own off of his face. I felt sick as soon as I noticed his skin turning black. Like a horrible plagued tide rolling in, his clear sand skin melted into a mess of black and blue.

 

“I should’ve listened to you.” That was the last sentence he could muster before his breathing became erratic.

A choked whimper came from my throat as I became aware of the situation.

 

He fell to the floor and I dropped with him, gripping the helm of his collar with a well of tears building in my tear ducts. Soon enough they’d pour over.

 

The sky was reaching the point of daybreak, and his face was now fully illuminated. My throat began to ache as I cried over him, never breaking eye contact. I was afraid that if I closed my eyes, he’d drift while I couldn’t see.

 

Although I could breathe, I felt as if someone was choking me. The pressure was everywhere and nowhere. Seemingly with no extra effort at all, Leo grabbed at my wrist with his now blackened hands and whispered faintly against the calmer waves.

 

“These violent delights have violent ends.”

 

And with that he was gone, I could no longer feel the energy or life in him. It was as if his body had lost every part of him, and what was left in my hands was a hollow husk of the man I had once loved.

 

After everything, I was left all alone in the sun; shivering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, it's been way too long. My old laptop died on me and it's taken me a while to get back into the spirit. This chapter took 3 months to finish :)


	7. Pool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit gets a little real and a little awkward.

When I opened my eyes again, my sight blurred with unwarranted tears. For the slightest moment I relived the helplessness, and instead of trying to blink the tears away, I let them roll down my face.

 

More of me than he could ever want to see, I was sure of it. I thought it’d satisfy me.

 

As I began to laugh, I tasted salt.

  

* * *

 

 

Instead of shying away from the obvious and inevitable encounter, my first moments on the Finalizer are spent with General Hux and his pestering tongue.

Only this time, it wasn’t in my mouth.

 

“So, you’re back?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Just as he began to babble, Kylo walked in, helmet off and seemingly absent-minded. I continued to watch him as he took his place beside me, and noticed Hux stiffen as he took note of it. The agreement that Kylo and I met was not an easy one, but I had no future; not one I could think of.

 

“We’ve come to an agreement.” I was hoping that every word that came out of my mouth was an injection of discouragement into his veins of resistance.

 

I knew that I felt nothing, there was nothing to be felt. I lost my beloved; the obsession could never last. The recollection I had the night Kylo and I met was an unnecessarily explicit reminder. A moment of weakness because of human contact was nothing but an aimless rush. If I wanted, I knew I could feel the same with every man on this fleet. Why get involved with someone new, if it would all end the same?

It was pointless.

 

“Master calls again for the Knights of Ren. She will join us.” Kylo’s interjection stifled Hux. Whatever thought that was on the tip of his tongue had been bitten back, and the glint in his eyes dimmed along with it.

 

“We will be gone for several days. I suggest you forget that your relationship existed.”

I almost choked. Despite either of them having anything with me, they still managed to take jabs at each other like adolescent boys. Shifting my gaze between the two of them, I caught Hux’s jaw twitch. The tuft of red hair that peeked from underneath his cap looked as if it _was_ fire.

 

He kept silent, and Kylo began to walk out. Only to have Hux grab at his forearm. I watched, excited and intrigued at Kylo’s reaction. He still looked unbothered.

 

“Fuck you.” He breathed and followed it with a firm punch to his jaw.

 

Instead of stopping it, or striking back, Ren took the punch and shrugged Hux’s grip off.

 

“Your lack of resilience disappoints me.”

 

And with that, he walked off, and I followed silently behind, smirk so full it hurt. That was enough entertainment for such a long time away.

 

* * *

 

The walk to Ren’s quarters was silent and awkward. Stormtroopers would stop to salute Kylo, and then stare as I followed briskly behind. Was it that I was still in my dress? I must’ve looked so out of place.

Around one of the turns into another corridor, I caught Phasma out of the corner of my eye. She was in full armor so I couldn’t see her face, but her body language made it look as though she had been very distraught.

I tried not to think about it during the rest of the walk.

It was hard not to.

 

With a flick of the wrist, Kylo’s quarters were open, and as the doors slid shut, he began to undress.

I raised a brow and took a step back from him. Whatever it was that masters did with their apprentices was foreign to me, but I was almost sure that there was no context for what was racing through my mind at the moment.

 

“We’re going to start right now.”

 

“Now?”

 

“Did I stutter?”

 

I furrowed my brows at his harsh response and took my cloak off, throwing onto the pile of clothes Kylo had stripped off. He stood in nothing but a black shirt and what I assumed to be a pair of really fancy gray boxer briefs. As I undid the wraps of the shoes I had worn, he walked over to the emptiest corner of his studio and sat, legs crossed. I tiptoed to him, trying to ignore how stupidly cold his room was, mirrored him, and waited for him to say something. Only he didn’t.

 

Not for a while.

 

Just as I began to feel impatient and annoyed, Kylo spoke.

 

“We’re going to meditate.”

 

“Isn’t meditation about finding peace and comfort? That sounds like a juxtaposition.”

 

Kylo looked at me for a second, his big brown eyes digging into me like jackhammers. Then, he shook his head.

 

“No. Mediation is focus. I need you to learn how to focus.”

 

For a second, I wanted to spit back at him and argue. But I instead closed my eyes and stayed quiet.

 

“Think of that memory you showed me, of your lover on your birthday.”

I looked at him, speechless and offended. I’d rather run circles on a bed of needles than have to remember that in such precise detail. I had repressed it for so long; the cut was much too deep. I wanted to let it fester.

 

“There are steps you must take, and you’ve already taken the first. So, we start here.” His eyes were closed, and his breathing was steady. He seemed so relaxed.

 

Before I could press further, Kylo interrupted me with answers.

 

“First, there is temptation. You’ve felt it since you can remember, and you’ve given into it since you could make your own decisions. I’ve seen you do it countlessly. Second, there is imperilment. That is where we begin.”

 

I looked down at my palms, felt my cheeks grow warm and red. Both of us knew I was afraid of feeling that again, and I became nauseous with anxiety.

 

“Go on. Do it.”

 

The waves, the salt in the air. It was so peaceful then, but I hated it now. The bullshit irony of the world around me being so goddamn quiet, as my world just so happened to fall apart. I heard his voice once more, and it sent waves of pain through my chest. Tears began to well, and my breathing became erratic.

 

Every instance of the memory proved harder and harder to bare. My body felt as though I’d been fighting for hours. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ren. He was in my memory, blankly staring as I curled my dead lover’s hair in my fingers.

 

“Why are you making me do this?” I shouted, blinking the tears away and looking at him directly.

 

As soon as I made eye contact with him, the whole memory became distorted. I let go of Leo and marched across the beach to Kylo, who just stared at me.

 

“Answer me! I know absolute jack _shit_ about you, and you’re expecting me to unravel myself for you willingly?” I tried to shove him, but he grabbed my wrist and stopped me. The stoic look on his face immediately changed, and instead of staring into my eyes, Kylo was now looking into them. His grip on my wrist soften but remained secure, and he parted his lips just enough to let a small breath escape from them.

 

“This is bullshit.” Instead of shouting, it came out whiny and confused. His eyes shifted a bit at my remark.

 

“I needed to be there. I needed to know it was real.” I tried to hide my reaction, but all I could do was furrow my brows and tremble at his low and honest words.

 

Instead of providing another explanation, one with context and coherence, he grabbed my cheek with his other hand and pressed his lips against mine. The breeze picked up as he did, and the waves crashed higher against us, reaching up to my thigh.

 

There was no lust behind his kiss, no sense of urgency masked by heat. It felt like he was trying to tell me something, but I had to feel it. His body remained still until I mustered the focus to pull away.

 

My thoughts are completed scattered at this point. I was revolted with the boldness of Ren’s move and intrigued for his reasoning. As I breathed, the shore of the beach washed over.

 

Finally, as if it had been cast away, the question that eluded me presented itself, clear as day.

 

“Who are you, Kylo?” My tears continued to fall as I waited for his response, but Leo was the last thing on my mind.

 

Kylo stared into my eyes for what seemed like an eternity before responding.

 

“I don’t know.”


	8. The Room Where It Happens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, some action.

Maybe he did it because he thought he could manipulate me.

 

Maybe he did it because he wanted to make Hux jealous.

 

Maybe he did it because he was bored.

 

Everything was different now, no matter how many times I told myself that it wasn’t. I had spent the entire evening debating whether to question him or just to forget it. I wanted to ask, but couldn’t bring myself to it. There was no context for his action, and up until a couple of days ago, I thought he’d loathed me. What kind of silly man presses his lips against women he doesn’t like?

 

Despite the night before, Kylo and I managed to continue training as if nothing ever happened. I did my best to focus on his teachings and swatted away at the thought of having him kiss me again.

 

In addition to becoming a better student, I became more and more curious about him and the dark side. The training he did was far more extensive than my own, and no matter how much I tried to become his equal, he insisted that it’d take more time. Sometimes he’d leave for weeks at a time, and leave me in his place. When he’d come back, it’d take a couple days to coerce any emotion from him. Eventually, his training turned into months, and he’d return so callous, that it started to feel awkward again. I slowly became content with the development of our relationship, or whatever it was, and every break he took set me ten steps back from getting to know him.

 

And in addition to his bitter demeanor, he _literally_ got colder. Like, the temperature in whatever room he’d be in would _drop_. I tried mentioning it numerous times, but Kylo would pin it to the A/C fluctuating.

 

Slowly, the steps taken backward would be recuperated, and he allowed me to spend time with him as a person instead of an apprentice, again.

It had only taken an entire year. 

* * *

 

I asked that after every Training Session he’d tell me a story. Interestingly enough, he agreed without protest. Every night, I’d crawl onto the couch beside his bed and listen attentively. The stories mostly consisted of old Sith Masters and their trials and tribulations, though he’d sometimes tell me of the other Knights of Ren, of which I was meant to become after all of this training.

 

Soon, I noticed that all the tales connected, he’d been telling them in chronological order so that I followed him, and if any of them interested me enough, he’d evenly lend me one of his many books so that I could study them. With every evening that passed, my skin grew warmer, and I became comfortable in his presence.

 

I secretly hoped he did too.

 

~

 

One night, in particular, had been successful. After the revision of my deeply suppressed memories, nightmares wove themselves into my sleep with fluidity. I tried not to let it become noticeable, much less affect my progress, but sometimes, things just surface no matter what you do…

 

“You haven’t slept; why?”

 

I eyed him and thought of coming up with an easy excuse, only to realize that our relationship could never house lies.

 

“Nightmares.”

 

“You see him?”

 

“Every night,” I replied, trying to replicate his stoic responses, only to get shaky at the last syllable.

 

Instead of painting an epic of old Sith Lords, Kylo stood from his sofa to meet me near the doorframe, where I stood stiffly. He placed a hand on my lower back, gently guiding me back to where he had sat. The sound of our footsteps was enough a trigger for the dam to overflow.

 

The blur of my moistened eyes distorted Kylo’s room, as I felt him drop behind me; pulling me onto the sofa along with him. With his warm breath on my neck and rhythmic heart, the sob in my chest died down, and I thought only of what was going on around me.

 

Quietly, I let my tears pool, cocooned in his embrace. He meticulously ran his fingers through my hair, sending light tingles to my spine. There were no nightmares that night, nor sleep. Eventually, I felt his heart slow and steady further, acknowledging that he was now asleep. I turned in to him and spent the evening mesmerized by his face. The contortions of hostility no longer visible, instead he seemed peaceful, almost as if he could smile. I settled my head against his forearm.

 

The flush in my cheeks was tocsin.

 

~

 

The night that had followed was as regularly scheduled.

 

“Tonight, I’m going to tell you about Darth Plagueis the Wise.”

 

I immediately plopped down on his black leather sofa and curled up against a throw pillow.

 

“Plagueis, Tenebrous’s second apprentice was more debatably more successful than the first. Because of his obsession with eternal life, he managed to manipulate midi-chlorians. His later found apprentice, Darth Sidious aided him in an attempt to bring forth a new age of the Sith. For years he took the back seat and built up Sidious in the public eye, gaining him the position of Senator and later participating in the election for the Supreme Chancellor. After the Yinchorri Uprising and the Invasion of Naboo, Plagueis planned to be appointed co-chancellor so that he could continue to oversee his apprentice and his studies. He often believed that he was so powerful, the Force itself would strike back at him for becoming so manipulative of it. Ironically, he did die at the cost of his power, not by the Force itself, but by his apprentice. He murdered Plagueis in his sleep before he the reelection of Supreme Chancellor, and the Rule of Two ended with Sidious and his new apprentice.”

 

Tense in my thoughts, I skimmed through the vision of seeing Leo alive once again.

 

“Darth Vader didn’t have an apprentice?”

 

“No.”

 

“Has anyone else ever tried to…” My eyes grew full with the idea of having that kind of power. How much I could change the course of my life…

 

“It’s not like you think, that kind of power has been lost. No one has been known to delve that deep into the dark side.”

 

“Not even your master?” My voice rang flat, as Kylo shot down my curiosity with reality.

 

“No. Even then, I don’t think he’d be stupid enough to try. It’s too much of a risk, and he’s not interested in that kind of legacy.”

 

My jaw tensed as he spoke and I tried to keep to timbre steady.

 

“Do you think I could- “

 

“Not.”

 

He didn’t let me borrow a single book that night and sent me to my bedroom without another word.

 

I struggled to sleep that night because I couldn’t stop my thoughts from racing. 

* * *

 The following morning, I rose to a short and familiar knock at my door.

Groggy from very little sleep, I slipped my warm black cloak over my bare shoulders and opened the door.

 

“We’re leaving in an hour, meet me at the loading dock before then.”

 

I looked up blankly at Kylo, and nodded slowly before sliding the doors closed again.

 

Kylo stopped the door with his right hand and pushed it open. He removed his helmet and stared at me with a weird look on his face. I gave him a few seconds to say something, but he stared back.

 

“Is there something you wanna say, or…?” I let the last syllable hang right up until Kylo responded.

 

“You look nice today.” Bemused by his random remark, I didn’t think fast enough to appropriately respond before he promptly turned and glided down the hall. I watched him readjust his helmet and then disappear into one of the farther corridors with a rock in my stomach.

 

His words are lingering in my head, I was ready within 5 minutes.

 

~

 

“How many are there left?”

 

“Two.”

 

Now kneeling before his master, soon to be mine, I clenched my fists and stared up blankly at the enormous hologram that was Supreme Leader Snoke.

 

“She’s different now.” He acknowledged.

 

He turned slightly to face me, and I focused my gaze.

 

“Do you know what a Jedi is?” There was a short pause, and I could feel Kylo somehow stiffen more beside me.

I nodded slowly, not entirely following him.

 

“They are corrupt, little insects in our grand web. With their complacent and righteous teachings, they’ve taken the galaxy from its heirs. Don’t you think it’s unfair to take something that isn’t rightfully yours?”

I swallowed hard with his pause, listening far more than thinking.

 

“Like the precious old man you held blackened and blue between your fingertips? Wasn’t it an injustice?” My heart was now pounding loudly in my chest, and I started to wonder how he’d known. If Kylo had told him, or if he just knew.

 

He leaned in closer to me, and I felt my limbs grow cold.

 

“Devour the remaining Jedi scum; push them to extinction. This is your first peregrination under me.”

 

He turned to Kylo, and I could feel myself relax.

Kylo took to the bay immediately after, and I followed suit, quietly freaking out. Phasma was right, after all.

I chuckled lightly to myself at the irony of my current situation. Not long ago I revealed to Phasma that I felt as though I had no purpose, now I was strutting through these halls with a mission.

 

~

 

Before we boarded the ship, Kylo claimed he had to brief General Hux on something. I didn’t ask questions.

 

I decided to climb up to the ship and check out its interior.

 

Silver panels traced the large windshield that was so transparent, it seemed invisible. The control center had two swiveling leather chairs that opposed each other. The one on the left had most of the flight panels facing it, so I assumed it was the pilot’s chair. At the end of the circle room, there was a long black curtain that led to a small living space with a single cushion coach and one bed on the opposite side. There was a tiny bathroom at the very end of the room.

 

I sat down on the thin mattress and closed my eyes.

 

Just as I was beginning to lose consciousness, I heard footsteps and then the low hum of the engine starting up. I didn’t get up. Instead, I just let myself fall asleep.

* * *

 I woke up quickly, and it didn’t feel as though much time had passed since I had fallen asleep.

I stepped into the small bathroom and rubbed my face with a moist washcloth. The walls were so close, I could feel my shoulders brush up against them.

 

~

 

The silent past hour on the ship was unbearable. After I used the bathroom, I came to the Kylo’s side and sat in the passenger chair beside him. I had so many questions racking around my brain, but I ultimately decided to stay quiet. Ren didn’t spare the ship of his attention.

 

“Do we have a list?” I asked suddenly, he laughed at that one.

 

“I’m serious. What’s the point of hunting them down if we don’t know how many there are?"

 

“We do have a list, it’s up here.” He momentarily lifted his finger from the control panel to point at his head, then resumed the silence and ‘piloting.’ Turning my body to face him, I waited a couple seconds to see if he’d say anything else.

 

“Are we going to take turns?”

 

“What?”

 

“Are we going to take turns killing them? Like, I’ll cross one off, and then you cross one off.”

 

“If it entertains you.” He got up from the panel and headed towards the bedding slots at the bottom of the ship. Deciding that’d be the end of me trying to start a conversation, I leaned back into the headrest and sighed in an attempt to relax.

 

~

 

I didn’t manage to gain any sleep before we arrived at our destination. Deciding it’d be best not to ask questions, I remained quiet and partially inattentive as Kylo landed our ship and spoke.

Before letting him babble any further, I looked at him with my head cocked to the side and interrupted.

 

“I don’t need context or prophetic reasoning.”

 

“You strike me as the type of woman who needs to know everything.”

 

I didn’t exactly know whether that was a joke or not but chuckled anyway.

 

He let out a single breath and looked back at me.

 

“Have you ever killed a Jedi before?”

 

“I assume they aren’t much different than you and I.”

 

He cocked a brow, insinuating for me to elaborate.

 

“Every man must die. Jedi are men. They die.” 

* * *

 Naboo was one of the most beautiful planets in the entire galaxy. The lush landscapes, lively atmosphere and gorgeous natives made for a paradise among the stars.

 

We had arrived in the time of nightfall, surrounded by an enormous plain speckled with yellow flowers. I stood near glass mesmerized, as Kylo powered down the shuttle and shuffled around behind me. After a couple minutes, he seemed to notice I hadn’t moved. He came up behind me and sighed deeply.

 

“What has you so captivated?”

 

I turned my head slightly, still keeping eyes glued to the glass.

 

“The view, it’s nice.”

 

I stood up from the passenger seat, setting my left hand on the armrest.

 

“Am I going out there alone? Or are you coming with me?” He took a step forward, setting us inches apart.

 

“I won’t if you prefer it.”

 

“Wouldn’t anyone recognize you?”

 

He gestured towards his helmet.

I chose the latter.

 

Despite there being not a single breeze, as soon as I stepped off the ship, my body trembled against an immediate cold.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of two figures dancing within the field.

 

I turned towards them and stopped dead. As I faced them, I could hear their voices; playful and distant. I felt the grass move beside me, as Kylo stepped closer to me and asked what I had been looking at.

 

His presence caused the figures to disappear instantly.

 

“You didn’t see it?” I shuddered and shook the spooked feeling off my shoulders.

 

“See what?” He sounded genuinely confused.

 

“Remember when you told me that some Jedi could manifest themselves after death?” He moved in front of me and grabbed my shoulders.

 

“I think I saw them. Ghosts.” I continued nervously.

 

“You’re certain?” Kylo was very stern as if he was anything but.

 

“Did you recognize them? Did they speak to you?” His grip on my shoulders was intense, my knees became weak, and I shook my head.

 

Suddenly, his hold of me loosened and his hands returned to his sides. He then asked me to promise that I’d tell him if it ever happened again, I reluctantly agreed.

 

The walk through the field was quiet and nerve-racking. Every inch of movement around me rose bumps on my neck. I desperately wanted to see the figures again, closer this time. Maybe then I’d be able to recognize them.

 

“Will he be able to feel you coming?” I caught up with his pace and attempted to hold out his long strides. He looked over his shoulder and found my eyes.

 

“What do you mean?” The static in his voice annoyed me, I doubt I’ll ever tolerate the sounds that come from his stupid bucket.

 

“I always feel your presence. There’s a temperature drop whenever you’re near me.”

 

He stopped as soon as I mentioned temperature and faced me directly.

 

“When did it start?”

 

As soon as he spoke, I felt a pulling sensation in my lower abdomen.

 

“You should go back to the ship,” I stated.

 

He looked at me confused, and then silently understood. I closed my eyes and let the pull of the Force guide me to where I’d find my prey. The sounds of the Capitol were growing, and I no longer felt Kylo near me.

 

As I drew closer to the edge of the fields and into civilization, I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise. The familiar and powerful hum of a lightsaber coming to life rang behind me. I turned to face the source, and there stood a man, no older than 50, shrouded in the green hue of his weapon.

 

“I knew you’d be coming for me. I sensed you immediately.”

 

“Do you know who I am?”

 

His stance shifted as I asked, and I eyed him carefully.

 

“Does it matter? I know you’re here to kill me.”

 

“Are you here with Leia’s son, the traitor?”

 

For a moment, I was confused. Leia, as in Princess Leia? I didn’t even know she had a son.

 

The look in his eyes was something I had never seen before. His stance was adamantine, I couldn’t tell whether or not to be afraid of the way he glared back at me.

 

Behind him stood what seemed to be a prairie home, shrouded in flowers and foliage.

 

He came towards me with rage, and I quickly pulled out my own saber.

 

One after the other, like the clash of brass cymbals, our sabers smacked into one another in rapid succession. My aggression caught him off guard, and every couple hits caused him to shift back a few inches.

 

I made a flash decision to run for the small mansion behind him, hoping to contain the fight and not attract any attention. Although I was moving as fast as I possibly could, the Jedi was faster and managed to dig the very end of his lightsaber in the right side of my waist.

 

I kicked down the heavy wooden door, and threw myself against a dining table set in the middle of the room.

 

“You bitch!” The Jedi grabbed me by my hair and whipped my head back. I could feel him pulling out strands as he readjusted his grip to keep me beneath him.

 

“I’m going to kill every last one of you.” I sneered, one hand tightly clasped around my saber and the other applying pressure to the fresh wound in my side. He glanced at my saber, and before I could respond, he yanked it out of my grip and threw it across the room.

 

“Oh really?”

 

Seemingly without much effort, he dragged me further into the house and slammed me into the nearest structure. I let out an involuntary groan as my already wounded side slammed into the edge of the desk that I had collided with.

 

I closed my eyes for a second and mustered the strength to pull myself up immediately after. He took a step once he saw that I had gotten up so quickly, and I outstretched my arm in his direction.

 

Lifted off the ground, fingers clawing at his own neck in horror, the Jedi grew pale. I had enough in me to force choke him while I registered the immense amount of pain that was pooling at my sides. For a split second, I was beside myself, Kylo had only taught me how to do it recently. In the training room, I was unable to lift anyone off the ground for more than a couple seconds. Despite my best efforts, my wound was bleeding too much, and we both hit the ground at the same time.

 

To my dismay, I couldn’t get up this time, and the Jedi inched towards me furiously. He grabbed me by my hair and threw me against an opposing piece of furniture. As I registered the growing pain, I looked at the hand that I kept around the gash and shuddered at the sight of my blood.

It was usually the other way around.

 

As he stormed towards me, saber in hand and ready to give a blow, I felt an eerie wave of cold encompass the entire room. I blinked, and the Jedi was now split in half and sizzling.

 

There was more blood than expected, the Jedi had put up quite the spur. I gripped my hip firmly, sensing a bruise forming where I was thrown against a table. For once, I took in the view of the interior. The walls were marbled and reflective. All of the furniture was sleek and white, besides the few that were charred and bloodied. Kylo had burst into the room, his helmet thrown aside, eyes full of fire.

 

He looked at the corpse, the torn-up furniture, and then at me. I lifted myself up then leaned against the marble walls sucking in a deep breath, attempting to mask the sharpening pain in my side.

 

He glided towards me, and placed both of his hands on my face; holding it still with his stare.

 

“That was stupid.” He spoke, his voice almost as disheveled as his look.

 

I was taken aback by his response.

 

“You would have died, had I not come to help you. You were unfocused the entire time, and now look at you.”

 

I looked into his amber eyes with nothing but anticipation, stricken by his words I felt an urge to slap him. But I had no strength in me, and my vision was slipping.

 

So, we stood there in silence, just staring at each other.

 

Suddenly, he slowly bent down and wrapped his arm around my calf, hoisting me up, bridal-style. Instead of fighting against it, or glaring at him, I allowed him to ameliorate my situation, and he carried me silently through the field that surrounded the Jedi’s home.

 

One by one, the yellow roses melted into the landscape, and soon we were back in the haunted flower field where we had landed.

* * *

 I woke up and felt incredibly stiff. My muscles ached as if I had been hit by a thirty-foot wave. I tried propping myself up with my elbows, but the pain in either of my sides was too much to bear.

 

Seemingly on cue, Kylo walked into my field of vision.

 

“I can’t get up.”

 

Kylo made his way to my side of the bed and surprised me with how gentle he was lifting me out of the small mattress.

 

With my arm around his back, he walked me to the bathroom.

 

Looking at myself in the chrome reflection of the shuttle’s main door, I was shaky and paler than ever. My gashed side was bandaged and achy. My bruise gained a couple hues. I felt Kylo's eyes on me. 

“Before we started fighting, the Jedi asked me if I was with Princess Leia’s son.”

 I turned to face him, hoping to gauge his reaction. 

Kylo grew stiff immediately. I placed my hands on his chest and opted to urge him further.

“He said he was a traitor.”

He remained quiet, and it made me nervous. I dropped my hands to my sides because I could feel them shaking. A couple more seconds passed by, and I decided to cut it. I turned to leave, hoping he'd stop me.

 

He didn’t.

 

**  
**


End file.
